The past 365 days (give or take a week or two) have been the longest year of my life. It feels like 5 years of living have passed between last April and today.
In the past year I have, in no particular order: quit my job, had uncontrollable anxiety attacks, been proactive, used proactiv (it didn't work!), been on anti anxiety meds, took a month off for myself, interviewed for, accepted and didn't show up for multiple jobs I didn't want, went to the outer banks, drove on the chesapeak ba bridge tunnel, watched my brother graduate from middlesex, valued my family and all they do for me, became a paper pushing office drone, cleaned a flooded basement, gotten drunk with my parents, had a big roast, made new friends, burned bridges, got my wisdom teeth pulled, had my first panic attack, cried in my mothers arms, seen the passion in others that I thought I was lacking, used sparklers on the fourth of July, thrown up in my car, been taught spanish by my coworkers, missed people I'll never see again, been drunk at 11 am, went to a firehouse show, felt needed, and more importantly, wanted.
I have celebrated my birthday for days on end, won money in Atlantic City, had an Irish carbomb, got in a fight in a bar, trashed a hotel room, ate ice cream in a king sized bed, been kicked out of a bar and escorted to a taxi by police, watched my best friend make out with another girl, receive Tiffanys jewelry as a gift, had others pick up tabs for me, been sang happy birthday in Italian by a man with a guitar, had a surprise party thrown for me, went to a yankee game, ate beets, rode the subway, rode the staten island ferry on a gorgeous fall day, celebrated my father turning 50.
I have gone to a bar with people I went to kindergarten with, dyed my hair, drank with my younger cousins, had my oldest living relative die, had my brother move to another state, attended the worst wedding ever, worn fake eyelashes, been scared for my life, set up a classroom and been petrified of 5th graders. I have lied to people I would grow to love and respect and cried in front of these people before knowing them, I've driven drunk and taught ten year olds about the slave trade. I learned how to do lattice multiplication, taken the GREs, been fingerprinted and had a school picture taken for the first time in years.
I've gone to a party where someone was wearing an eyepatch, received compliments I will never forget, found a bottle cap in my underwear after a long night of drinking (it was corona), I've felt loved. I've discussed books with a group of 10 year olds and 80 year olds and learned more than I could imagine. I cried in front of 10 year olds, felt disappointed and appreciated traditions. I finished college, shared my double bed, and woke up in it without remembering how I got there. I got dressed up for new years, stayed out past 4 and had a "one night stand." I've read 20 books, joined an honor society, and scored in the top 10% in the nation on my Praxis Exam. I found out I will graduate college with highest honors and I've ordered my cap and gown. I've eaten at the grease trucks for the first time and celebrated my gram's 83rd birthday, I've successfully navigated nyc by myself. I've purchased a business suit, broke a camera, barbecued on the beach in South Amboy and had a snow day. I cashed in my gold. I became a dually certified teacher and believe I've found my life's work. I've felt superior to others. I've driven south just to get away, I've had regrettable (and forgettable) sexual experiences. I've had martinis and then gone to ameeting, smoked weed again and got dressed up for no reason, I've realized that things change most when you're too busy to realize it, I've been unable to finish a crossword puzzle. I've found my confidence, strengths and weaknesses through the help of others and my own conscience. I worked 70 hour work weeks and spoken up when I shouldn't have. I've gotten myself into and out of credit card debt. I've set and passed goals and played rock, paper, scissor in a blackout, I've visited a cemetary because it felt right, I haven't gone to church because that doesn't feel right, I've learned that if you can't laugh at yourself, then you're doing something wrong. I feel like I've actually figured out how to live in this past year. I've also realized what kind of person I am, and that I've always been this way, I just needed to live a little to let it show.
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